Ever Reforming, Ever Loved

I’ve been going through my inventory, specifically the resentment and bitterness portion, and I realized just how bitter I truly am. At first, as I was writing, I was dwelling on the event that took place, justifying in my heart why I was feeling the way I was. I quickly realized, though, that as I was writing these events that hurt or threatened me, I wasn’t writing sins committed against me, though there were injustices done, but rather I cataloging my own sin. We are admonished not to let the root of bitterness take hold in our hearts, because where there is bitterness or resentment, there cannot be love. And if we are to love our enemies, bless those who persecute us, and not pray for those who seek us harm, we haven’t a chance in hell to do these things from the heart if there is any trace of bitterness towards them in our hearts.

It is terrifying how much the flesh longs to hold on to past offenses. The corrupt nature that we are all partakers of seeks any reason to hate and any occasion to stoke the fires of its wrath. That’s exaclty what I was doing. Sure I can say that I have forgiven them, but I enjoyed telling what they did to me a little too much. It brought me satisfaction sharing how they hurt me. But the new man in me, born of God and being transformed into the image of Christ, longs to be free of these resentments. There are several that seem to be the most prominent in my mind, and they are not directed at one particular person. They are directed at the American Church as a collective whole. And so, this is my letting go:

American church, I have harbored intense resentment towards you for too long, and for too long this resentment has defined me as a person. I have spoken poorly of you, I have told of your shortcomings with gladness and have been quick to criticize your foci. I have scorned your teaching, hated your singing, and passed judgement upon you with no grace. I am so sorry. You are the bride of Christ, and I have treated you like trash. Though now you are broken and tarnished in an of yourselves, you are made beautiful in Christ. You have been washed with the water of the Word, made clean by the blood of the Cross, and adorned with a white dress without spot or blemish. I have held resentment in my heart towards you, and it has bound me, keeping me from loving you, praying for you, blessing you, speaking well of you, and working with you for the sake of the glory of God. Lord, please take thise, release me from its hold by the power of the Holy Spirit, and fill me with love for your bride. I am sorry for treating her so, help me protect her, by your power and your wisdom.

I have been haunted by the question posed by John Owen, namely the source of my affections for Christ and the occasions by which those affections well up within me. Owen gives an extremely thorough treatment of the topic in The Grace and Duty of Being Spiritually Minded. I am only two three chapters into his treatise on religious affections, and I can honestly say that I am not sure whether my affections for Christ are stirred up within me from a source of living water, or if they rise out of a pool of stagnate water, forced up and out by the pressure conviction brings. If the former, they flow from a spring of living water bubbling up into eternity, if the latter, they rise when the preached word impacts the wickedness of my heart, causing the spray of affections for the things preached to soar, only to fall back to the pool of sin.

I know this sounds, bleak, but it’s reality. Genesis tells us that the thoughts and imaginations of men are constantly wicked always, and from this it seems impossible for the honest and pure love for Christ to flow from such a source. Paul writes in Philippians that Christians “are the true circumcision, who worship by the Spirit of God and glory in Christ.” The means by which they worship is the Spirit of God, who is the source of living water, and the source of our love for Christ and our glory in him. It is not based upon works, as it is with the Pharisees, but it is a movement of the Holy Spirit, and the affections are not tossed up to the glory of Christ by the pressure of conviction and duty, but rather out of a natural overflow of the principle placed in us by God.

It is question of nature, whether I am indeed born of God, by His grace, or if I am still in the flesh, with my mind set on evil always. Tough stuff, and it’s ok to question. I want my love for Christ to be mine- not a result of conviction, but a part of who I am.

I have been terrible about posting on this thing, partly because over the past few months I have done school non-stop, and partly because I have been going through an intense season of struggle. A month ago, I started Recovery at the Village for nicotine addiction. I realized I had an addiction, and that I didn’t just really like it, after I was caught by my wife with some Snus (kind of like dip but not really). You see, whenever I would give into temptation, I would hide it, lie about it, and hope that Jen wouldn’t press me on it. The idea was to lay low and not give in for a while, and THEN confess to it. The motivation for this was due to some trust issues Jen has.

This is how insane the sin cycle truly is: I was going to confess once I, by my works, was good enough for a long enough period of time. I didn’t was to confess right away and be honest with Jen because she has trust issues, essentially making myself untrustworthy in the process. There is no gospel in that thought process, and certainly no obedience to God.

So now I am in the thick of the recovery process. Right now I have to take inventory of all my sexual misconduct (which was a HUGE problem for me in highschool/college but, by the grace of God, has been mortified substantially) explaining what I did, who it affected, and how it effected them. After that I get to deal with my anger, bitterness, and resentment towards any people, groups, or institutions that have hurt me. Yeah. It’s good stuff.

But it will be worth it once I am able to be free from the addictions and hangups that keep me from fulfilling my purpose, namely being satisfied completely with God through Christ, and relying upon Him for life and breath and everything.